EVA BRAUN’S PHOBIA OF CLOSENESS IN 1945 LENINGRAD

I thought you’d forgotten all about me
Until yesterday afternoon
When I received the small vial you sent here
Full of cyanide capsules
And with a note in your familiar, childlike scrawl,
“Monsieur, I send you my temptation”


You gave me my best years
During the Second World War
Now, you’re unwell
I didn’t expect
And in hell
But you won’t accept


You live in a delusional world
Abnormal
Aryan
Mad
Fantastic
Luftwaffe


Agoraphobia means a fear of going out
You’re afraid of falling, not from heights
But falling while walking
You live in unwavering fright


Why did you become a recluse?
And I just didn’t see you
I thought I dreamt that you were crying
While dreaming that you were dying


When you asked with your large black eyes
“Carry me in your arms
I can’t walk anymore”
We carried each other
And I laughed and never suspected
Anything was wrong


We all contemplated suicide
We hoped for euthanasia
We were lulled into believing
Every conceivable nightmare
What a time that was.


Those simple memories now look irreplaceable
Walking with you
Talking to you
In gardens
And laughing
Around crowds
Over tea
At sunsets


I wish I’d recorded your laughter
Each word a sunbeam
Glancing in the light
The year slips on the calendar
So much has changed


Hollow eyes
Broken bones
Dreams on wheelchairs
What triggered it?


I already forget how you used to look like
I don’t care that you’ve become obese
But you’re eating me inside


You don’t let anyone reach you now
Won’t you set aside your pain?
It’s beautiful here
Won’t you come out again?


No, the sun won’t burn
No one would mock
No one cares
No one but me


Come on, let’s go and see
How it will be like to drown.


Let me see you smile
Your smile like a vintage currency note-
Parched
Faded
Moth eaten
Yellowing
A veritable antique
Locked in museums


Slowly but surely, I know,
That smile will fade
Then you’ll be miles away from me
Enjoying going insane


You say me:
‘Vivre sa vie’
-My life to live
You tell me,
Not to be
Like a detective asking all those questions
My sympathy embarrasses you
Even on the telephone


But I can picture you
A woman frail and sad as Hiroshima mutations
Walking slowly down the corridor
It's very quiet
Exploding into timelessness
Ran from home but panicked on the train to Normandy,
Brought back exhausted and unconscious by Fuehrer’s men
To die that night
She who mumbled incoherently into her incontinent tears
Unaware of me
Standing in the corner


You are home with the blinds drawn
You made a patient of everyone
Cold as death
Push at the bed-sheets
Good blood and bad blood
Our blood and your blood
I sit here - you sit there


When you cut your hair
And the skull was visible from the top
I felt my heart would burst and stop
I laughed at my own naivety
I felt naked then


Then you became invisible
Always seen less
In places never heard of
With feelings suppressed


But now I think I understand you
You didn’t want to let me see you like that
You wanted me to only be in love with your image
The way you were
The way you’d want me to remember you