LAST TIME I CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE

I’m not going to tell you why. I’m simply not
I’ll only ramble about the ‘how’ part a lot


First, there was this one time in kindergarten
After I had got punished by the hostel warden (don’t remember why)
I decided to eat lots and lots of chalk,
Thinking it was some kind of poison
Ten chalks later, I learnt my lesson;
All I got was indigestion
No rewards for my indiscretion
No, no death, sadly
Even though I wanted it so badly
I threw away the chalks and the eleventh chalk broke


Then I grew up and went to college
Where I met Winnie Banks as I said
But she went out with Lenny Hall
And I went on and….graduated
But before I did, I tried to see the cloud’s silver lining
Always went outside when it precipitated
Tried my very best to get struck by lightening
But it never did and thus my heart broke


Then I got married
Entered into an argument in the kitchen with my wife
When she threw the chicken at me, I picked up the kitchen knife
I said theatrically, “What’s the use in living in all this strife?”
Proceeded to slash my wrists with it but couldn’t end my life
Our cutlery was plastic, like our lives and the plastic knife broke


Then, when I screwed up at work, my boss had a go
And I made an attempt that caused much consternation
There are several worse ways to die, I know (eg. self strangulation is the slowest)
But none more embarrassing than autoerotic asphyxiation
Once again the plastic broke and broken plastic saves lives


When my wife left me, I drank and gambled and got ridden in debts
I took a loan and bought a gun and planned an instant death
I decided to shoot myself in the mouth
As that would cause the minimum bleeding
Anywhere else would be too messy
I wanted to leave my corpse good looking
I wrote, a suicide note
So that later, my wife would get upset
I pulled the trigger but nothing happened
I remembered I hadn’t bought the bullets
I couldn’t afford to buy any after that or I’d be completely broke


The last time I contemplated suicide
I actually carried it out and died
Although I clearly didn’t because I’m writing poetry
Unless of course you believe in supernatural entities
Breaking and Entering into broken lives, please undead me