TO GET OVER YOU

1 I ride in trains for whole nights trying to find myself

2. I call you from incognito pay-phones

Because I love to hear your silences

3. I look out at the ocean

But forget to notice how beautiful it is

Only that it is as inscrutably blue and silent and cold and tempestuous as your eyes

4. I drink myself insensible every night

I wake up in sweats every morning

But you keep on going by in my dreams

And I can't ever sleep

5. I behave stoically in the face of grief,

Knowing that the clouds above me,

The ground beneath my feet

And the air in my lungs

Are totally disinterested in how I feel

6. I destroy as much evidence of your existence as I could find

Until in the end,

All I am left with,

Are the red and white carnations of 2003.

I’ll always have those

Dried up in old, yellowing, dusty diaries

7. I suddenly remember your face and it flashes before me:

Your tiny, microscopic cut, just above your right eyebrow.

Then, I remember that I never asked you about it

I looked into your eyes so many times and yet I never asked you

Is it possible, that I just didn’t see you?

For I took your gaze for granted

But now, I miss it like hell

8. I feel the past clinging on to my fingers like gum

Yesterday stretches, yawns and is awake.
Here I am, again in the waiting room.

It’s going to rain

Things fall down

People look up

And when it rains,

It pours

9. I make plans to go to the Himalayas and become a recluse.

I wonder in Romanov nights,‘Whatever happened to you?’

I become constitutionally incapable of making eye contact

I fall in love with every woman I meet

I try to commit suicide by holding my breath

I cry occasionally

I lose eight and a half kilograms

I stop making movies

I keep believing everything will be all right

10. I write mechanically, without feeling

Page after page in silence

My poems; very scholarly, very droll

I wet my finger to turn the page

Giving myself enough time between pages,

To reach down to hold and stroke myself

While thinking of you,

Out of boredom, not titillation;

And also, to delude myself into believing

That it was just lust